Leaning Against My|self|

Has fate been withheld or have I failed to subdue it? A tremendous force seems to bend my will, diverting me onto a familiar path, trodden and unremarkable. The tribe, solely concerned with the preservation of tradition, cautions me to fear the shadows that pass beyond well-marked boundaries.

Stepping out into the wilderness, in violation of the common law, I contemplate recognition and remembrance – the opposing orientations of those who seek to ascend.

Recognition quickens the fanciful who are ever obsessed with glory. They entrench themselves in a synthetic world of their own making, layers upon layers of tunnels burrowed deep in the darkness of cold earth, unaware of the invigorating green or the comforting warmth of sunlight. Directionless, they justify their course against a broken compass and then travel round towards themselves.

Remembrance inspires those who wander the domain of the heart, drawn into the unknown in pursuit of nothing less than connection, mystery, love, and yearning to quench that maddening thirst for totality. They channel the crystal waters of divine knowledge and spring forth the essence of goodness.

Yet I linger in the shadows of irrelevance, a self-imposed exit from the realm of ascendance. Behind the shroud of fear, I cower. Within the cave of ignorance, I flog myself with the flail of torment. The light of faith beckons from beyond the shadows, but I’m accustomed to the cold and sustained by the capricious heat emanating from the flickering flames of despair.

2 thoughts on “Leaning Against My|self|

  1. This posting, I feel, adds deeper emotional disclosure to your normal deep intellectual reflections. Although, sadly for the time being, self-scathing.

    “Behind the shroud of fear, I cower. Within the cave of ignorance, I flog myself with the flail of torment. The light of faith beckons from beyond the shadows, but I’m accustomed to the cold and sustained by the capricious heat emanating from the flickering flames of despair.”

    I know you choose your words carefully. So I find it curious you used the adjective “capricious” to describe the flames of despair. In what way capricious? Fickle, unpredictable, inconstant, unreliable?

    If so, is despair worthy of you?

    Love,
    Maury

    1. It’s a good point, Maury. I suppose I described the heat emanating from despair as “capricious” so as to contrast it with the (purportedly) “steady” warmth radiating from the love of God. In a sense, however, I am disclosing something about my relationship with this despair and self-torment – you’re obviously paying attention…

      It’s as if there’s a gear inside of me that’s misaligned, and I’m just trying to get it to fall back into place. But something is still out of place: I don’t yet feel “aligned.” I certainly hope this doesn’t take much longer, ’cause it’s rather exhausting.

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